Depression

I've been thinking lately about depression.  Not thinking that I am depressed, just thinking about the actual thing.  In general, I think if there is one thing that links all of us together as people it's depression.  Depression is something that comes up and bothers us all universally.  A lot of what makes each of us different is how we deal with depression.  I used to be very upbeat, didn't let much get me down, always optimistic.  It was actually something that drove my friends bat shit crazy.  I couldn't see the storm clouds on the horizon, it was always sunny and I couldn't actually imagine anything so horrible it couldn't be overcome.

Okay, I still can't really imagine anything so horrible it can't be overcome, but I believe there are people who can't overcome certain bad things.  If that even makes sense to anyone other than me.

Anyway, this was me as a teenager.  In fact my slogan throughout high school was, "Smile!  Life is good!".  Eternal optimist.  Now, as an adult for longer than I was a teenager, I remember myself fondly and wish I could somehow tap into that younger me's optimism, because I get depressed a lot.  Which has made me think that we all get depressed, and it's much harder to deal with when we get older because we start actually seeing all the parts that lead to our depression, and it's really not that easy to get over those things.

Do we simply think we can dwell in our depression?  Do we learn habits that are difficult to overcome?  When we reach certain ages do we realize that we aren't children and we can't live like it anymore?  I can still see the silver lining on each cloud, but instead of believing that silver lining will come and grace me, I beg it to.  Is it because so many things have not gone my way that I stopped believing they would?  Or do I simply see all the ways things could go bad and therefore can't quite touch the good thing that could?  I get worried, and scared to do something because I'm afraid that it will go wrong, so I don't do anything.  That nagging voice in my head that used to say, "What can possibly go wrong?" has turned into, "What can possibly go right?"

If this is what growing up is all about, I'd like to back the process up a bit and go back to being a child, unafraid of hurting myself on the blade in my desire to learn how to wield it.  Was it a courage that I had that I don't anymore or is it simply that I have become jaded?  Has the real life issues of bills and cleaning and keeping everyone happy taken away my sparkly world where things will go right for me, or have I closed the doors on that sparkly world and let real life close in?  Is that where depression comes from, or is it an effect?

And have I rambled so much that nothing makes sense anymore?  Probably.