Lost

Just spent a half hour pounding words out on a post that I'm not sure I'm going to use.  Perhaps I will read it over in a few days and I'll know where I was going and be able to finish it, but now after staring at the last few lines for a while I'm a bit confused.  I hate it when that happens.

I originally started this blog as a way for me to ramble without worrying about what anyone thought about my words, and possibly so others who felt similarly might find a place where they could read thoughts they might understand or have had a hard time articulating themselves.  Besides that I'm broke, and I was planning on putting ads up in the hopes that I might make a buck or two off of it.

For the record I'm probably going to put ads up at some time, if I can get off my ass long enough to find out if AdSense will really take me or not, I can get pretty adult at times.

Anyway, I began posting my RKC stuff and then I felt like I needed to keep up on that and even began to wonder if I should be posting anything personal at all anymore because I get a lot of hits when I post RKC stuff.  Well, I do advertise my RKC posts, and rarely advertise the other ones.  That's my bad really.  However I think I'm going through that place in a person's mind where they are so uncertain of themselves they don't really know if they're doing the right thing.

But see, that's ultimately the problem, isn't it?  What is the right thing?  Isn't that different depending on who you are?  For instance, it might be right for me personally to write whatever the heck I want to on this blog and not care about anything other than that.  For someone else, they might have created a blog just to promote things they created.  That would be what was right for them.  Nothing is easy and I know this, but it's easier to worry about doing the right thing than it is to do something that might not be right and be wrong about it.

We've become such a cautious society that it rubs off on everyone, even those who usually would jump at every opportunity that is available to them to do something that they enjoy or find interesting.  We start worrying if we're doing the "best" thing, or the "right" thing, or the "correct" thing and instead we do nothing.

I've been given this opportunity to do all kind of things, to try to create a web page with stories that I write on them and instead of working towards that by making a web page I cringe behind the fear that I won't do it right or the belief that someone else would do it better than I could ever.  But there are things out there for people who aren't good at coding, and I could look them up and try to figure things out, only I don't.  Instead I look at advertising places and try to get a "feel" for how they work and what I would find least irritating if I were at a web page like what I want to create.  Or I look up rules for paying taxes and shit like that.

If I never do anything then I will never accomplish anything.  I am pressured to do something and instead of moving I'm digging my heels in and doing nothing.  What on earth is wrong with me?  Where did the getting up and going version of myself go?  Have I become such a weakling that I can't do anything without being instructed on how to do it?  I COMPLAIN about people like that, but I'm behaving the same way.  If I'm not told the right way to do it I don't.  If I don't feel like what I'm doing is correct than I don't.  I get terrified that I'm not going to succeed and so I don't.

I've started letting other people determine what I want to do with myself, I've put myself into positions where I *want* other people to make decisions for me, but then I rebel against the things that I really don't like and blame them, even if it's only in my mind, for "making" me do those things I hate.

It's not their fault if I can't do the right thing, it's not their fault if they want something and I've been practically begging them to tell me what it is I need to do.  I used to be so headstrong I would tear down any wall that came in front of me.  I'm a freekin' Aries for crying out loud.  Where's my gumption?  Have my horns gotten so worn down that I don't think they'll stand up to anything?  I am my own person, aren't I?  Why aren't I taking control of my life?

Somehow, it's like I'm lost in a forest, and instead of walking around to find out how to get out, I'm sitting down on the moss and figuring someone will come find me and take me out.  If I don't like my heroine to behave like that, then why do I allow myself to be like that?